N~~~~~~e and My Brain

Let's talk a little bit about me.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about how I have nothing going on in my life. Crappy job. Failed out of school. No relationships to even joke about. In short, if you took off your shades, my future would still not be bright. Being a generally positive person, I tried to think of something that may be good about the future. I thought to myself, "Self, what are you good at? Let's maximize that potential." So, what am I good at? That's a good question. Let's break it down a bit:

1) I am good at nothing.

Now, this isn't to say I am bad at everything. I'm actually a bit better than passable at most things. However, being good enough at pretty much anything is not nearly as marketable as being very good at two things. Now, to be fair, I am damn good at listening to music. I'm also brilliant at having opinions. The problem is, I don't like contention. Therefore, I don't really argue for my opinions in most situations. (Excluding Phil Collins and Apple. I'm convinced those are two points on the trifecta of hell, mayonaise being the third point.) So, while it would seem that those two skills make me perfect for a music critic, I don't like the part where I talk things down. What else am I good at?

2) I am good at nothing.

We talked about that, remember? Quit rehashing previously discussed material. Let's ask the more pertinent question: What am I passable at? Most things, so that answer is irrelevant. The real question is, what do I like doing? That is the question for the ages. I don't have any idea.

I think I might enjoy being a writer, except that I have nothing to write about. Which brings us back to where we started, with Nikolle. Or Nickolle, or Nicolle or however you spell it. I told N~~~~~~~e that I might like to be a writer, but I dont' know what to write about. N~~~~~~~~e found this inspiring. She said she thought it was so fascinating to see what is going on in the brain of someone who is free flow writing the despairing futility purposelessness. A nice thought, don't you think? I do. But it says a lot more about N~~~~~~~e than it does about me. She is a positive, upbeat person with a uniquely inquisitive take on the world. Whereas I am just like every other 20-something, single college dude with nothing to do. I want to think that this apathetic and aimless complaining I'm doing is due to some profound journey of self-discovery. In reality, if I were to be totally honest with myself, it is more accurately just a symptom of my inability to accomplish anything. This wandering and wondering can mostly be traced back to the fact that I don't have the drive to actually do any of the things I want to do. For example:

I would love to be one of those intellectuals who can talk to you about philosophy, and has read whatever it is you're talking about. I would love to actually read those Scientific American's I am receiving instead of just piling them on the back of my toilet. I would love to be one of those people who watched Pan's Labyrinth for more than the visual effects. I didn't even know that movie had a point until I watched the commentaries. I would love to be any of those things, but I'm not. And here's the kicker; I have the time to do all that. I just don't. However, I am pretty dang good at this game.

All this rambling brings us now to the fun part of my brain slewage. What do we blame for this? I'm sure as hell not going to blame me. However, I would like to blame the fact that I have nothing to look forward to. There is nothing in my future, so there is no reason to get there. As far as I can tell, next year will be exactly like this year, but my body will have broken down a little. Which is fine. I don't really care. And there's that problem again.....

Now, I didn't write this to complain. I wrote this because these are the thoughts I am thinking, and I does me good to discuss them, even if it is just with myself. Especially if it is just with myself. After all, I am a pretty good conversationalist.




This post written while listening to this.