I am, like a Scotch Korean, a contradiction. I live a life in two simultaneous mental states. It could even be said that they are conflicting states. Before I explain why, I need to explain something else. I need to explain to you why I love art. And not just art, but all art. When I say art, I am speaking of painted or drawn art, sculpted art, musical art, performance art, theater arts....all kinds of art.
I love it.
Or rather, I love the idea of it. Sometimes I hate it. Most of the art that university told me was great left me feeling very meh. But that doesn't mean that the whole concept of art is meh. In fact, the concept of art blows me completely away. Why? Let me tell you.
As a species, humans have specialized in communication. It could be said that our ability to communicate is what put us so far ahead of the rest of nature. Not just that we communicate, (hell, macaques communicate) but that we can communicate complex ideas. Something beyond the basic mammalian "Shit there is a lion/tiger/dinosaur that wants to eat me!" Most mammals can do that. Many mammals can communicate all kinds of things. They can tell you where food is. They can tell you that you should make babies with them. They can tell you that you are no longer welcome with the herd. But humans...humans can discuss the feasibility of sending people to Mars. When was the last time you heard macaque talking about space? You didn't. Only humans have that level of communication.
Despite all this specialized communication and all of our fancy vocabularies, there are still some things that we are unable to discuss. One area that words fall especially short is emotions. Humans have been trying to express emotion verbally since before we invented verbs. In fact, I'm pretty sure words were invented because some cro-magnon man wanted to tell some cro-magnon lady, "Baby, I dig you!" But that hasn't stopped us from trying. Luckily, somewhere around 1800, somebody invented art. Finally, a way to convey emotion that isn't hampered by those silly words.
And because it isn't bound by vocabulary's limits, art has a remarkable power. Great art has the power to capture a particular moment in the life of the artist, folding all his emotions and thoughts into one unique creation. One frozen moment of her soul. And then she can give that moment to someone.
Now, I hesitate to post any examples of art I think is great, lest I start an argument about it's greatness and detract from my point. Art is incredible. It is powerful and unique and transcends all barriers. But what does this discussion have to do with my being Scotch Korean?
I love to create art. But I create it from my life and my experience and the moments I am living. When I am creating, I don't feel as though there is much variety happening inside me. I feel very sad/happy/depressed/frustrated, and it seems to be all that I feel. And I feel it until I am done creating. Sometimes I have to come back to the emotion three or four times, but is always the same thing for the entire creative process.
And after I have created, I look back and see contradictions. Like any good (read: not terrible) musician, I tend to write music in a state of inebriation or deep emotion. My life has a rather obvious lack of inebriation, so my music is written from emotion. And sadly, the most frequent potent emotion is bad. So I write sad songs of addiction and heartbreak and suicide. But looking back at these creations, I see a common theme: all of them have a thread of hope. Woven through the indulgent "I am so sad, so very very sad" lyrics is this weird, sometimes subtle voice that is whispering at you to look up and see the sunset behind the clouds. This is my contradiction.
But in realizing this, I think I have finally figured out why I love to create. Feeling these sad emotions sucks. It does. You know, because you've felt them. I hate feeling sad, and I hate when others feel sad. I wish so bad that I could fix them. Make them glad. Give them a reason to smile at the rain. And this is why I create art. I try to capture that moment my soul is experiencing. That moment of exquisitely meloncollie hope. I want to give that moment to someone who is feeling depressed, and maybe they will grab onto that thread of hope and decide that life is okay. Yeah, it is total shit sometimes, but maybe there are some things worth experiencing.
Right now, my life and circumstance don't allow me to get that much of my creating to other people. But there is plenty of art already created, and I can share that with people. And maybe a few friends who need it will be able to experience my art.
And maybe I will need some of the art you have created.
