Looking at a Changing Whorl

I am a fairly caring person. I have an ability to care for people and understand and accept people. This is an aspect of my personality that I value quite a lot, in part because it was lost for a time. I lost this gift when I was in the midst of my depressive period. As it turns out, it is hard to care for others when what little energy you have left is being used to wish you were dead.

However that period passed and I learned to love again. I remembered how to feel compassion. How to forgive. How to look past mistakes and see beautiful souls. And I reveled in this. I was ecstatic to have my personality back. I had worked really hard to get back to this place, and now that I was arrived I decided I was done. I had done my work, and now I was going to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labors. Then, ever so slowly, I started coming down with a case of the Fuck-its. I began to notice that I wanted to punch instead of hug. To swear instead of compliment. I was fast on my way to retracing my steps back to the self I didn't much want to be.

Now for a change of tense.

I do not want to slide back to that dark place of negativity. I am not that person. While inactivity does allow entropy to pull me back there, my natural state is much more full of love. And I have come to realize that positive energy is not something that is self-perpetuating. I am finding that I need to actively seek a persons positive qualities. Then I repeat them to myself in a what is almost a litany against hate.

I am someone trying to be happy. You are someone trying to be happy. I have much in the way of acceptance and support to offer you. You have much of life to teach me. But unless I repeat my litany against it, the entropic nature of humanity will draw me in towards the vicious and exophobic nexus of hateful oblivion. Therefore, I must actively fight against the inner decay. I will choose to list your good qualities, rather than browse instagram. I will listen to your story instead of listening to myself. I will consider your value without trying to turn it to my gain.

In short, I will love you.