First, let's get this out of the way. This is post number one hundred. Whoopty shit. Let the rejoicing commence.
Now, on to business.
I was recently asked by my therapist what I want. I answered the question with some bullshit about wanting to be happy or something. But before I left, he asked me to think about it. It seems he wasn't satisfied with my answer. And as it turns out, neither am I. Because saying I want to be happy is a cop out answer. It doesn't say anything. Of course I want to be happy. Who doesn't? But happiness is a result, not a goal. You don't just "get" happiness. Happiness happens when your needs and desires are fulfilled. So the answer to what I want is not just "to be happy," but to be fulfilled. All of you probably already knew this (why didn't you tell me, jerks), but I am just now realizing it. Or rather, it is just now being cognitively processed.
What do I want?
A lot of my life has been spent doing what I "should" do. ...After several tries at this sentence, it boils down to this; I have a hard time thinking of any decision I have ever made that wasn't based on some kind of "should." These "shoulds" superseded thought on my own part. I never thought about whether I agreed with what I was doing. I never thought about what I really wanted. I never thought about what goals I wanted to pursue. That isn't to say that that I would have made different decisions. Hell, I have no idea what I would have done. I may have done everything exactly the same. But the constant guidance by The Almighty Should has landed me in a place where I don't feel like I have ever been in control of my life. And at the end of the day, that is what I want.
I want to feel like I am deciding my life.
I want to think through things. I want to consider my options. I want to find out that I truly believe passionately in something, and then I want to act on it. I recoil at the idea of accepting something just because I was told. Or having an opinion that was handed to me by The Almighty Should of whatever social context I happen to be in. I want to decide for myself. I want to captain my own vessel.
But you know what?
I'm secretly terrified. What if I start choosing my own destiny and find out that I am totally shit at directions? What if I start chasing after the things I want to do, only to fail miserably?
And so I am stuck. On one hand, there is oppression by The Almighty Should. On the other, The Pit of Failure.
I guess in the end, I'd rather die flying.
P.S. Please click the hyperlink. Stellar work of art.
