Sunday, June 7, 2009
Cascade of Light
Last night, Matt, Linden and I decided to go hiking. We hiked Stewart falls because it is easy, short, and it was night. It could not have been a more perfect night for hiking. A light breeze...a full moon....warm.....perfect. On the walk back, I stopped several times, totally at random, just to stand still and enjoy the perfection. At the middle of the hike, when we were at the falls, we enjoyed some sitting time. Actually, Linden and Matt fell asleep, and I argued with the voices in my head. They are so negative all the time. "Give up this" "Forget about that" "You're no good" "No one likes you" So negative....All this arguing brought me to a conclusion. Giving up, resigning yourself, or just 'accepting' something about your life that you don't like is the easy way out. Its much easier to just say, "I have come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a third leg, and I'm okay with it," than to go out and do what it takes to get that third leg. Sometimes, though, there really is nothing more you can do. Your only option is to stay the course and patiently hope you get what you are hoping for.
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Today I was writing in my journal during church today. I started out talking about the atonement and then I went through a long and convoluted thought process that ended with me deciding that I must not really want to repent because I keep fallin back into my sinfull ways. I was horribly depressed. But then I thought even more about it and I realized, like you, that signing off is ultimately just an excuse. Losing hope does not aid my eternal progression and so cannot be a thought from God. Whether or not that is my problem, to simply point it out in despair is actually counter productive and therefore of Satan. So, I kept thinking about it and decided that yes, the fact that I haven't become perfect in whatever problem I have might be indicative that my deeper subconcious might not really want to give that problem up, but the fact that my concious concious wants to has to count for something, right? And so I struggle on. But I do still agree with the thought that I had--that the miracle of the atonement isn't necessarily the forgiveness (he's God after all, he can do whatever he wants) The true miracle is that a person truly repents in the first place.
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