Those who know me would probably agree that I am a fairly confident fellow. I carry myself pretty confidently, and I am comfortable with my appearance. I like my hobbies and the person they make me. Generally, I feel that I can say I actually truly like me. But I noticed tonight that I still feel that I am undeserving of so much in life. A group of people I know went on a bike ride tonight and Jeff invited me to come. I politely turned him down, and as he rode away, I tried to figure out why. I have come up with a theory, which I will now present before you:
The group of people going were people who I consider really, really quality people who I kind of wish I could be more like. They are the people who are confident and are following their desire and actually accomplishing cool things. Also, one of them was a girl I have met many times previously who is, to put it frankly, stunning. Perfect ten in appearance, and as far as I know, a killer personality. And the reason my bizarre mind came up with to turn them down was the lurking suspicion that I just don't deserve to go. The idea that I am a step down from them, like in a caste system.
This is absolutely ridiculous. I know them, and I like them, and they like me. But for some reason, I often feel like I would be a burden. I don't want to be in the way or irritating. So I don't go. Or if I do go, I sit quietly in the back and let them enjoy themselves without me (Whoever "they" happen to be at the time). And this tendency leads me to feel left out quite a bit. Although I am in reality left out, it can probably be traced back to me.
BUT...
This leads me to another topic that I want to complain about. I know, complaining is annoying, and I usually don't, but I am going to right now. Because I feel like it, and its my blog. I can do what I want. So, the ten of you who will read this, I apologize. If you are offended, call me and I'll make you cookies.
Why am I always the one who has to be friendly? I have been in my ward for over a year, and I know pretty much everyone in the ward by name. I have had at least a short conversation with probably 98% of the people in my ward, and I worked pretty hard to get there. Its not easy to hold a conversation with some of these people. Despite this past year of efforts, I can sit through all three hours of church and I'm lucky if one person takes the time to say hello to me. Why is this? How can I go to a class every single day and sit next to the same small number of people and not one of them will ever say hello to me? I realize that I can't complain if I'm not doing anything, but I have lots of acquaintances and friends who I introduced myself to, and I am the one who always follows up in maintaining the connection. And sometimes, I just get tired of it. It is these times when I wonder, "Am I scary looking?" Maybe I have the appearance of a loony or a criminal.
Now, I know there is no real reason. Simply put, most people just don't think about that. They don't have the strange brain that I have. Most people we see a person alone in a park and not think twice about it. I, on the other hand, am quite likely to walk over and invite that person to participate in whatever my group is doing. So I can't hold other people up to the same strange standard as myself. But it still gets irritating sometimes when nobody says hello.
So my irritations today are that I somehow managed to convince myself that I don't deserve to be friends with the people I think are the coolest, and I am the only person in the world who seems to care about inviting other people to be friends.
Postscript: I realize that Jeff's invitation tonight flies in the face of my later rant, but let it be known that Jeff's invitation is an anomaly.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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there are several cool things you said here, the foremost being "loony". I think lots of people do the caste thing, which could be why some don't talk to you in church. you are unique in your ability to talk to random people; others are much more shy or intimidated. I used to be one of them. Also, some of those people are not worth your time, which you recognized yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think you are super cool.
And no, killing them kindly, in my opinion, is not better, that's the whole point of my blog. For the quote, the people were there in perso, watching it happen, watching things suffer, so yes, I think it would be better if it was slaughtered quickly or less cruelly.
oops. i see now that that is my quote. i thought you had gotten it from the book. um, again, yes, it is more sad to see something suffer and drown in its own blood for half an hour or so. but also i'm not feeling the slaughter at all, thus the veggie life. whew!
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